2021-02-13

憂鬱日記 - (1)

時序是 2021 過年期間,應該是要開心享受年節氣氛的時候,但是最近這幾個月以來一直飽受憂鬱的苦惱,在家放假這幾天不斷思考有什麼方法能讓自己好過一點,今天想到說不定透過寫作會是一個好方法,這也是我想開始這一系列文章的契機,只是不知道能持續多久就是了(XD)。

故事要從哪裡開始說起呢.....先談談所謂的憂鬱好了,我個人認為「憂鬱」與「憂鬱症」是不太一樣的,這社會上的每一個人多多少少都會有一些憂鬱的傾向,工作不順、家庭問題、親子關係等等,都會造成情緒低落或是心理上的低潮,可是在大多數的狀況之下,這些情緒都是暫時的,經過一段時間的休息或是消化釋放之後多數人都會好轉。而憂鬱症則是另外一個層次的事情了,比較簡單的理解方式是,當感覺憂鬱的人長期無法恢復心情,並且出現一些典型的症狀時,很有可能憂鬱症已經發作了。

幾個症狀包含 :

  • 體重改變 (變胖或變瘦)
  • 自我價值感降低
  • 有想死的念頭
  • 對很多事情失去興趣
  • 不容易專心
  • 嗜睡或者失眠
  • 害怕與人接觸
在以上這些症狀當中,很不幸的在我身上出現了超過一半以上,狀況嚴重一點的時候胸口甚至會悶到呼吸有一點困難的情形,休假一整天什麼都不想做,只是漫無目的的翻看 YouTube 影片,一片接著一片,有時候在椅子上,有時候躺在床上。話也變得非常少,滿腦子都想著許多負面的事情,大部分是工作,然後這種負面會蔓延到生活的各種其他層面,你開始對未來失去希望,懷疑自己存在的意義,覺得自己抗壓性很低,會想到自己死掉的事情,有時候會看著自己的手腕發呆,或是出去散步在橋上會想像自己跳下去會怎樣。

當然我是沒有跳下去啦,不然就不會還坐在這邊打文章,而且溺水而亡感覺太痛苦了,我堅決反對。

其實憂鬱「症」不是第一次發生在我身上了,從我出社會到現在的十年間,這已經是第三次,那為什麼這一次感覺特別嚴重呢? 其實並不是特別嚴重,而是這一次我有一點卡住了,卡在一個進退兩難的情況中。

這三次的發作其實都有一個共同的原因,就是工作,都是工作到了某一個瓶頸點的時候誘發我這些憂鬱症狀的出現,我的工作經驗非常的多樣化,這個以後會專門寫一篇文章給大家介紹(老高上身)。第一次是發生在 2014 年我還在台灣山葉(Yamaha)的時候,那時擔任的是 PA (專業音響) 器材銷售的業務代表,每天的工作基本上就是開著公司的小車到經銷商那裏罰站,工作沒什麼成就感,因為業績從沒達標過,因為公司走B2B的關係,也沒什麼客戶好開發的,能跑的就那幾間,加上 PA 在台灣算是冷門領域,也沒有什麼成長空間。剛開始什麼都不懂,領著兩萬多的薪水傻傻地做,沒業績公司也不會逼你,整間公司超過一半以上是年資超過 15 年的老員工,大家都在等退休的概念這樣,有一個很有趣的現象是訂單越大張的客戶罵你罵越兇。最慘的一次是有一個大客戶指著我的鼻子說 :「你真的很煩人,我們整間店的人都很不喜歡你,你可不可以不要再來了」

然後那天晚上我就哭了

但我還蠻感謝當時帶我的課長,他不但沒有責怪我惹怒客戶,還安慰我說這位客戶是衝著 Yamaha 來的,當你名片印上公司的名稱,你代表的就是公司,而不是你個人,站在門口罰站只是給客戶一個宣洩的出口,這也是我們身為業務人員的使命之一阿 (嘆)

其實課長說的非常有道理,但也是從那一次開始,我開始嘗到面對客戶的恐懼感,每一次的拜訪漸漸變成噩夢,我開始抗拒上班,開始覺得不知道要跟老闆講什麼,早上換衣服前無比痛苦,內心有千百個不願意,於是有將近半年的時間,我一邊上班一邊自學程式語言想要逃離業務生活,然後在大概滿一年三個月的時候離開了 Yamaha,而後開啟了我長達四年的軟體工程師之路(對,我做到了)。

轉職的過程有機會我會再寫另外一篇文章分享,今天還是聊憂鬱症吧。

其實現在回想起來,當時內心的痛苦跟掙扎還蠻單純的,就只是很不想面對工作而已,說到什麼自我否定、想死的念頭之類的倒是沒有,加上那時候已經做了一段時間後才開始感受到挫折,所以離職的時候也沒有什麼包袱,走的很暢快。雖然那時離職前的狀況確實已經有一點憂鬱症的傾向了,但既然壓力的來源是工作,離職之後自然也就好了,所以壓根沒有覺得自己生病還是需要去看醫生什麼的,想想也算是不幸中的大幸吧,沒有繼續壓抑惡化下去。

(下篇待續...

2020-07-04

Las Vegas + Grand Canyon (part 2)



After 4 days of crazy Las Vegas tour, we decide it's time to leave the city and head to the Antelope and Grand Canyon National Park ! According to google maps it's only 4.5 hours drive from Vegas so we quickly pack ourselves and jump in our little rental Toyota Altis.


Bye bye Vegas, see you soon !

We were expecting a wonderful road trip but in fact...we were just driving in the middle of nowhere the whole trip to Grand Canyon. One who doesn't drive is responsible for entertaining driver but we obviously don't give a shit about it.

Good time to sleep


Nothing but wasteland view
Well we actually woke up very early so we had to get some rest in car, hahaha. Anyway after 4 hours long drive we finally reached the Upper Antelope Canyon ! And it's freaking cold !


Temperature is no good for Taiwanese



So Coooooooold
There's still a short distance the local tour guide need to drive us to, so we hopped on a small truck and everyone's butt was freezed.

Butt freezing truck
Antelope Canyon is really an amazing place, can't imagine how mother nature actually sculptured this fantastic place of view. From whatever angle you take picture is an absolutely masterpiece I have to say.






Very nice local tour, liked him already !
Grand Canyon Hotel, very sweet place
The next day we woke up early and packed ourselves for the most anticipating place of this trip, the Grand Canyon ! It's only a few minutes drive so we arrived pretty early, I have to say Grand Canyon is truly a magnificent place that everyone must visit one time in life !








We feel the power of nature, the power of water that slowly but surely carved the entire valley for the past thousand of years. Me as a tiny human is so small and humble there, I can't help to feel respectful and grateful that we actually live on this beautiful planet and have a chance to see this great gift from nature


We're so happy and satisfied having this trip in USA, I think there's still lots of other places to be explored in the future, I'll definitely come back again ! Maybe next time we can try the Pacific Crest Trail ? (Just kidding)

See you guys soon !



2020-06-18

Las Vegas + Grand Canyon (part 1)


「Wow, I’m going to Vegas」

That’s my first thought about this trip, apart from original me, who used to plan everything nice and clear, this is more of an unexpected trip because the reason of this Vegas trip is to help my brother propose to his girl. 

Quite exciting, hun ? Here’s comes the best part, we’re staying THE Bellagio, yes, the one where Ocean’s Eleven was filmed. I’m really excited to see that huge fountain, as for casino….hmm not a fan of gambling. 

Since my purpose is pretty clear, I barely did any homework about this trip (oh BTW this is my first time to USA), think of it’s a free style trip ! 

I took EVA airline direct flight from Taipei to LA on 14 Dec alone, took off 11:20 then landed around 7 am in the morning. As usual I barely had any sleep because small seat and dry air inside the cabin is killing me. My very first impression of American is…why so many damn people ? 


A~~~~merica~~~
Where the hell are these people from….

Impatient immigration officers did not give us greeting, instead they pretty much “yell” to everyone who doesn’t know how to line up and use those strange identity-stealing machines. Anyway after a complete chaos hour, yes a hour, I finally get my passport stamped and enter the USA ! 

And I’m hungry. 

Sadly, the most common food I can find is sandwich, sandwich and sandwich (lol), so I had no choice but buy one to fill my empty stomach. 

Huge sandwich, taste okay actually 

I choose Alaska Flight to Vegas, a well-known domestic budget flight in USA. Well I think it’s pretty okay, took me only 1 hour from LA to Vegas. When I look down to ground through window, LA vanishes so quickly and followed by huge boring yellow desert view, but as we're approaching our destination, roads and buildings start to grow from the middle of nowhere. 

It’s Vegas !!

The first thing I see when landing Vegas is….of course…..slot machine !


But I'm too tired to play that, besides, I ere am totally aware of putting my money in that machine is a no-return trip. Once again I too a quick snap (by now I'm already awake for 30 hours), then go down stairs to meet my friends. And here comes the most exciting part, heading to THE hotel. Yes the Bellatio! Uber pick up point is right downstairs so we quickly grab ourselves a ride and head to city center. 

Honestly speaking Las Vegas is bigger than I thought, I used to think that there's only 1 main street where all the hotels and restaurants (well in Vegas they're pretty much the same place.) are, but it takes quite a while to get to Bellagio. Anyway, we finally see that giant fountain ! 

View from 27th floor
Well....very soon the excitement vanished, followed by a bit of disappointment because the room is not really that spacious and cozy. It seems that we pay $400 dollars a night only for the fountain view. Fortunately, I'm not the one who pay for all this, hahahaha. 

Legendary room
Guess what I do for first day in Vegas, you guessed it, sleeping. I was freaking tired, by the time when we arrived Bellagio, I've been awake for 36 hours.......so as soon as my head lands on pillow I instantly fell asleep. Well, pity, because my dudes sneaked out for sky jumping ! But it's okay, I've never been a shy guy to admit that I have no balls to play sky jumping, insult me. 

After a quick snap I regain a lot of energy, so it's time for the show tonight ! The Cirque Du Soleil ! 

Awesome show !

Run you fool

Happy folks
---

As a middle class hard-working citizen, we spent almost no money on casino table (lol), instead we went 4 shows and many buffets, shopping mall and stripper club. 

Blueman Show

I personally think blueman is the best show we went in Vegas, it's the craziest, funniest and absolutely amazing show. 


This is so fucked up

What are you looking at?

Michael Jackson Show

Well, songs are great, but for me personally I think it's more of a nostalgia because there's nothing really "new". One thing barely stands out is the last AR MJ appears on stage, kind of cool, hun. 

Angle man, angle


Really unprofessional
These two people are really fucked up....

Legend suit

Fantasy Show

Personally I don't recommend watching this show but they do have some really hot girls..... It's just dancing and half talk show, sadly no photos guys. 


Although we didn't gamble much, during 4 days in Vegas we played a lot actually.

In and Out + High Roller

Here's the legendary in-and-out for your reference. 



Jaw-falling burger
After we're all fed, let's move to High Roller ~

Mind the gap folks 



My legs are shaking....

Zip Zilla


This is pretty fun in fact, pity that the actual fly time is only about 30 seconds, I'm totally okay to fly longer





So these are pretty much where we visited, pity that no photo in strip club, as for our casino try, well I lost $100 dollar in like 10 minutes, consider this is part of tips would make me feel better, lol.

Our next destination is grand canyon, a world-known attraction I've always wanted to visit. See you soon !



2019-05-02

惡血 - 矽谷獨角獸的醫療騙局! 觀後感




Theranos 是 2003 - 2015 年間紅極一時的矽谷獨角獸企業,全盛時期估值曾高達 90 億美金,其主要業務在於研發一種顛覆驗血產業的新型方法,有別於以往傳統靜脈抽血,Theranos 宣稱可以只需要透過微米針頭輕扎手指所取得的幾滴血液,就能檢驗超過 250 種疾病的存在。

公司的創辦人 (也是整個故事當中最具爭議性的人物) Elizabeth Holmes 19 歲從使丹佛大學輟學後,靠著這個兼具商業潛力以及社會價值的點子,加上她相當獨樹一幟的個人風格,帶領公司進行了長達十多年的瘋狂旅程,最後被踢爆一切有關公司產品所能提供的檢測能力都是造假,在 2015 年被華爾街日報的深度調查記者 John Carreyrou 以一篇「Hot Startup Theranos Has Struggled With Its Blood-Test Technology」的報導揭露事實,最後導致了這間超級獨角獸公司迅速跌落神壇。

「惡血:矽谷獨角獸的醫療騙局!深藏血液裡的祕密、謊言與金錢 」是 John Carreyrou 出版的調查回憶錄,而 HBO 在今年的 3 月份也釋出了紀錄片「The inventor : Out for blood in silicon valley」我個人建議先看紀錄片,再去看書,會對整件事情的來龍去脈有更清楚的了解,畢竟在一個半小時的紀錄片篇幅裡面要交代如此龐大的故事是有難度的,我自己是先看完書才去看紀錄片,好處是有一種終於窺知這些人廬山真面的那種期待感就是了。

惡血的故事相當精彩,是少數幾本書評恰如其名的作品,我幾乎是一天就無法自拔的看完了,這本書大概也是現實比小說更加離奇的最佳註解,這故事怎麼可以這麼誇張到沒有極限,剛開始我會懷疑,這些投資人還有董事會成員都是笨蛋嗎?為什麼可以縱容 Elizabeth 欺騙他們這麼久?但當我慢慢了解整個故事的來龍去脈,看過那些曾任職 Theranos 的員工訪談、投資人、記者的描述之後,慢慢的善與惡的概念在腦中漸漸模糊。


「Fake it until you make it」


紀錄片的一開始短暫講述了愛迪生當初發明白熾燈泡時的故事,當時愛迪生也是誆騙了一堆人說他已經發明不會融化的燈泡斯材料,當有記者想要踢爆他的時候,愛迪生還選擇用錢賄賂他,最終公司在資金用罄之前真的發現了劃時代的燈泡材料,寫下了人類文明發展的另一個里程碑。




仔細看看,這不就和 Theranos 的歷史一模一樣嗎?差別只在於 Theranos 在過程中涉及的層面之廣以及影響是前所未見,和埋頭在自家實驗室嘗試不同燈泡材料不同的是,驗血是直接關乎到民眾自身健康資訊的服務。

舉例來說,Theranos 宣稱他們的儀器有高達 98% 的準確率可以檢測梅毒的感染,但實際上卻連一半的準確率都達不到,若有人自掏腰包做了測試發現自己感染了梅毒,於是緊急前往醫院要求治療,又或是實際有感染的人卻沒有驗出來,那會是多麽混亂和可怕的情況,錯誤的檢測儀器會造成巨大的醫療資源浪費,甚至造成民眾賠上生命的風險。比起金錢上的(幾乎是)詐欺行為,這種枉顧人命的做法才是這整起事件中最受爭議的部分,有許多的前員工都是覺得良心不安,才決定冒著被 Theranos 聘用的律師團隊提出告訴的風險勇敢披露真相。

但是 Elizabeth 並不是一開始就懷著惡意這麼做的,當她 19 歲那年從史丹佛輟學決定創立 Theranos 的時候,那時她的確是懷有一個純淨的夢想,和大多數矽谷創業家一樣,要用產品改變世界,她認真、熱情、外貌出眾(是優點之一沒錯)、家世顯赫、聰明,募集到第一筆啟動資金之後便一路成長到公司將近 800 人的規模。

從她無數的訪談中可以很清楚的感覺到,「她完全相信她自己」,即使她知道竄改檢測數據是違法的,她依然堅守「Fake it until you make it」法則,對 Elizabeth 來說這就只是一個過程而已,一條前往康莊大道的路上總是充滿挑戰,她必須身負重任,披荊斬棘,帶領團隊抵達這個她所擘劃的美麗未來,而不知何時在這個過程中,一切都變了樣,謊言越滾越大,錯誤越來越多,以至於到了最後無法挽回的地步。

Theranos 的宣傳海報


暫且不論 Theranos 所造成的爭議與傷害,對 Elizabeth 來說,沒有所謂善與惡的問題,她有的只是存粹的執念,但光有執念是不夠的,是 Elizabeth 那強大的個人魅力讓她走到了今天。我很喜歡書裡面的一段描述,「人們對數據是不敏感的」,早在 Theranos 被踢爆造假的好幾年前,就已經有很多員工和投資者對這間公司的產品心存疑慮,血液各項檢測值準確率有嚴重誤差、無法承諾幾滴的用量而改用靜脈抽血、財務數字造假、政府監管造假等等林林總總的事蹟一籮筐,但矽谷投資人仍然爭先恐後的排隊投資 Theranos (還是有一些創投拒絕),押的就是 Elizabeth 那美好的故事。

商業簡報中提到幾滴血就能檢測 250 種疾病已經是驚為天人,但真正打動投資者以及社會大眾的是「至親死於癌症沒能早點發覺」、「窮人能負擔的血液檢測」、還有「每一個人都能掌控自己健康的權力」。這讓我想起我們某位甫當選的新科市長,也是以動人的故事和口號在民眾心中留下深刻的印象,盲目的群眾和盲目的資金是一樣的,需要用一個能夠訴諸情感的方式去連結,當有了第一波、第二波資金進來之後,後面還能剩下多少清醒的跟隨者呢?

而對 Elizabeth 來說,這樣正面的初衷也成為了她強大的心靈寄託,HBO 的紀錄片中引述了一個很有趣的心理實驗,受試者先在內心選定「上面」或是「底面」,接著試驗人員會丟出一個骰子,等骰子停止滾動後,受試者說出剛剛心裡想的那一面,便可得到那面骰子點數等值的金錢,研究人員發現多數的人都會在結果揭曉的時候,說謊以取得較高的金額(透過測謊器得知),而當研究員告訴受試者,所得金錢將會全數捐作公益的時候,受試者說謊的比例瞬間暴增。也就是說,在道德的擁簇下,人們更傾向合理化自己的錯誤行為,將之解釋為一種「必要之惡」,若是以這個觀點去詮釋 Elizabeth 的一切行為,一切就再合理不過了,反正,總要有人來做這件事情不是嗎?這是一個為了遠大目標的犧牲。


Theranos 事件的起落有著錯綜複雜的背景原因,我覺得比起用看一齣宮廷劇的心情去閱讀,不如站在一個更中立的角度,試著將自己帶入書中的各個角色們,成人的世界之所以複雜,就是因為太難去用非黑即白的概念去劃分對與錯,即使到今天,Elizabeth 仍然不覺得她是錯的,但,有誰敢說,若她能繼續堅持五年,十年,她的夢想不會實現呢?若當年愛迪生沒有在時限內找到燈泡材料,也許他也會和 Elizabeth 一樣,就此被吞沒在歷史的洪流中。